I’ve been free of symptoms of depression since September, at least until last week. I started to feel agitated, nervous, easily annoyed, sad, alone and unwanted. Over the weekend it became a bit worse. I don’t know the cause. It just came back.
It also sneaks its way back into my head. At first it’s just a couple of random negative thoughts throughout the day and after a couple of days its self loathing and feeling worthless. All my strategies didn’t really do much for me. I’m keeping track of great experiences and things that are important to me. I know people care about me. I know that I’m still very much in love with a very special person. But it’s being overshadowed by complete numbness. I experience life as if I was moving around blindfolded. (And no, it’s not as cool and thrilling an experience as in Birdbox.) Today was the worst day of them all. I didn’t feel like I belonged in the office. I didn’t believe that anyone could actually care about me in any capacity. I felt like shit and I hated myself even more for that.
I remembered that I always take my road bike for a spin during the summer when I feel the negativity coming back at me. But it’s winter and I don’t have the proper clothing for riding under these conditions. It’s also dangerous because car drivers are reckless and ignorant. But as part of my flat’s rent I have a place in the attic that I can lock and I’ve put my bike and my bike trainer up there. Today I came home, switched clothes and just went up there and put an hour of anger, frustration and suffering into the pedals and felt how I was slowly regaining a capacity to experience positive emotions. Afterwards I poured myself a bath, read a few chapters in a book, meditated for 15 minutes and had some decent dinner.
I’m starting to feel better now and I’m glad I put the bike trainer up there last weekend. I wouldn’t have had the energy to put it up there today. I need to increase my cardio during the winter and I shouldn’t neglect it, despite being as fit as I’ve ever been, thanks to martial arts and circuit training. If I want to get back to the way I was before last week, I need to keep it at it, no matter what. Because I’m not cured. And it’ll come back.